I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.