Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you