[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
You Might Also Like
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.