In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late