Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.