went fishing caught a bass
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Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”