4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons