so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Peace was never an option