my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
WHY would you be happy about this?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.