will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
just pretend nothing happened
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My god she’s good.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.