I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Good advice.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Tough love is true love
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.