HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
i’m sure it’s fine
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.