chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
OMG 🤣🤣
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?