“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate