My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
You Might Also Like
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.