[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
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at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I love the honesty
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
i really liked this one
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.