my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me too
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.