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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
for all #parents out there
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”