Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You Might Also Like
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.