When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.