Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
You Might Also Like
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet