My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist