The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
when u come home smelling like another dog
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?