When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Planet of the Apps.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”