The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right