Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
You Might Also Like
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes