I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
goldfish mafia
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.