I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one