[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials