Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Taliband
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot