“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….