Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.