Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*pokes sex life with a stick
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?