The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.