When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
how high up are we talkin’?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.