[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
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1. Divorce lawyers
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap