Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
What an awful time to have common sense.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen