Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”