my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
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my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]