Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
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My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*frowns in Scottish*
selfie game
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Oops
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Owl Sanctuary
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.