[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Monday
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William