Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
found this cool rock hiking today
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.