Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
do horses think humans are hats