Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My brain is a bad influence on me
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher