I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.