Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Just grow your own
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.