Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
These work great until they don’t.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.