If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill