ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
me doing my best
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When I snag the last meatball.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?