Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Storm Tropical Storm